Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Randomize
