Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
