I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
