Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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