I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
