my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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