Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
