I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
