Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Randomize
