You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
