dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
