OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
