I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
