I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
