I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
