The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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