btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
