either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
