4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
