i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
