The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i think i have two assholes
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
