I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
