I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
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