I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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