DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Randomize
