my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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