Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
