i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
