....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
