My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
