she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
You took a bar mat shot.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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