I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
