....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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