my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
