theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
