I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
