She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I just pynch a tree in the face
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
This is the prime rib incident all over again
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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