sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
