ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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