nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
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