umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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