you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
You ate ashes out of my bong
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
