mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
