OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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