im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
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