I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
