So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
