I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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