Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
