the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
