As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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