Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
